oh crap (very bad word warning)

MOTHERFUCKINGMORTALITY !!!!!!

this may be beyond the scope of 'off topic', but any comments will be appreciated.
it's been on my mind for some time now, I'm about to hit my mid-thirties. it's not my own demise that brings this on, but of those close to me.
I just got word from my father (mid-70s) that he just spent a few days in ER going over some heart issues. he's the most important person in the world to me, and it's a good deal more than I can handle.
my best friend lost both of his parents in recent years, and since then I can't get the idea out of my mind. if I didn't have children of my own, I would gladly take my own life before I had to endure the loss of my father.
surely (and sadly) there must be others in this fine community that have gone through the loss of a close loved one. how in the (heck) does one carry on?

sorry for the sappy-esque and bad language.

Just put yourself in his shoes. Would you want your children to worry over something that was totally beyond their control, frustrate themselves? Or is it a better way to spend time to make the best use of the time left?

Draw on what he has taught you as a father, and as a friend. Use the time to realign your values and ask yourself, "What parts of my father would I like my children to embody."

surely (and sadly) there must be others in this fine community that have gone through the loss of a close loved one. how in the (heck) does one carry on?

I hope I don't sound harsh, but the answer is "what's the alternative?". Yes, loss makes you appreciate how precious life is. But... We all die. Things pass. Cars rust. Entropy progresses. Is it better to waste part of your short, precious life getting wrapped up in loss and sorrow, or to try to make the best of your short ride on the coil?

As someone who has lost most of his family, as well as some very close people, I can tell you that yes, it hurts, but you move on, enrichened by a greater appreciation of the fragility of life.

One door closes, another door opens, we all have to move on - Thomas Hardy had it all wrong!
If you want another platitude, there's always somebody worse off than you: I lost my favorite Aunt & Uncle, much too young, when I was in my 40's, but, by the same token, my cousins, still in their teens had lost both parents within 9 months.
Enjoy what is and remember it fondly, but make your grief finite.

Greetings.

I decided I would reply to this one after all. This topic is a little too close to home (ugh, bad pun) for me. My father died six years ago, my mother died just under one year ago. Both were young, in their sixties.

Sometimes, if the person had been sick for a while, it is almost a relief for them. There is no more pain or sickness. Sometimes it can happen quite quickly, and you do not expect it.

Either way, my only advice is to live every day so that you have no regrets or bitterness should something happen. Do what you can, now, while you both can appreciate it. Spend time together. Talk. Do things. And it never hurts to tell them how much you love them. This way, when the inevitable does happen, you can take some (hollow at the time, granted) comfort that you did everything you could and that you have no regrets. Over time, the memories you build will stay with you, even when the hurt and loss starts to fade.

The same applies for parents, children, spouses, significant others, anyone you care about.

From the few people in my life that I have lost, I have learned a few things. First and foremost is that saying of "Don't go to bed mad at someone" is so true.
I had a very good friend that was killed in a motorcycle accident in Jan 1999. In Sept 1998, we quit talking over what I really don't know anymore. We worked together in offices next to each other. Those times when we did talk in those 5 months is was just work related stuff. The weekend he died, I had decided to try to bury the hatchet, but never got the chance. It still bothers me, but I know we were true friends, just stupid shit that made our egos get in the way of sucking up our pride and saying "Sorry."
I lost my father when I was 16,and he was pretty ill most of my life, so I never really got to know him as much as I wish I could have now that I "grew up."
Like the others said, life goes on and we all deal with tragedy, I wish I could say something more helpful, but everyone deals with death in their own way. Though time may be short, make the best of it and cherish it, memories are priceless, relive them with him while you can.

Lastdan;

First off I need to say that I have lost both my folks in the last 10 years. My Dad to a heart attack and my Mom to cancer. Even after 10 years I think of them often. Almost every day.

Now, as a fellow empegger and a friend, although I don't really know you, I've got to slap ya.

Don't you think you should be thinking of your OldMan and not yourself? After all, he ain't dead yet. Enjoy him! From the sounds of things you have a great relationship with him. Use it! Why waste the time he has left worrying about it? I doubt that is what he would want.

What you are waling about, while deeply disturbing and grievous, is something that we all must go through, if we are lucking. Yes, you heard me right. If we are lucky for it is the natural order of things. For a parent to see their children die is very very wrong. A tragedy.

So lastdan, what are you going to do? Continue to worry about it. Or come to grips with the inevitable the best you can and make the best of it? What do you think he would want you to do? Would you want to abide by his wishes?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. You asked for our opinions and I have answered, with some difficulty, honestly.

Charles

how in the (heck) does one carry on?

As best one can. There really is no alternative, in the end. Everyone will sooner or later go through the same situation, and the lucky ones get to say goodbye first. It tears you up inside for months, and it will stay with you for the rest of your life in one way or another, but death is a non-optional part of life and part of growing up.

I went through a period of a few years in my teens where I was attending a lot of funerals, losing about 70% of the relatives on my mother's side of the family in a very short space of time. When I was 29 my mother herself died of cancer at the ago of 50, after a fairly short period during which we knew it was coming. Even so, the end came a lot faster than anyone expected, and it was only good fortune I was able to get there in time to spend the last few hours with her.

Even now, 10 years later, I have the occasional emotional flashback to the grief of that time, triggered by the strangest things that bring her particularly strongly to mind, although she is always in my memory. I miss her.

The point is, you can't let the inevitability of death ruin the enjoyment of life. It happens to everyone, and the only defense is to make the best of the time you do have with people you love. A close friend of mine went through something similar to you with his mother a few years ago after a cancer scare, and I gave him the same advice I'll give you, for what it's worth: Make the most of what time you have left, don't dwell on future events to the exclusion of present ones. His mother is still going, as is your father, and the best thing you can do is to make the most of what you have now. Build up memories you will treasure later, because believe me your loved ones live on that way.

pca

thank you all for your comments and insight. to the lot of you: you're right. to dwell about something I have no control over is not a good use of time or life.

again, I really appreciate the feedback.

You will get through it somehow, we all do and yes, it will be very difficult, expected or unexpected. Enjoy everyone you love while you can because we never know when their time is going to end.

I lost my mother about 5 years ago and my step-dad 2 years ago. I lost my real father when I was 7. I've also lost 2 brothers, all of my grandparents, numerous aunts, uncles, cousins and a friend that died of AIDS many years ago. They all leave a part of themselves in you and later when the pain dies down some, you will learn to appreciate the memories.

I was lucky in the fact that I got to take care of my mother her last few months of battling cancer, it was very hard emotionally to do but she got her wish of being able to die at home. I had lost my job and my family paid my bills so I could do this instead of us hiring a full-time nurse. We became very close in that time and enjoyed it tremendously. The only difficulty came the day she asked me to overdose her and help her die, I just couldn't do it but she didn't hold it against me and she understood my reasons. My step-dad also got to die at home because we all took turns caring for him.

Death is a part of life and the older you get, the more loved ones you loose. Just don't dwell of that part of life so much.