Do they have one for figuring out women?
If its like the one for a car I wouldnt waste my money.
Posted by: furtive
Re: Haynes manual - 07/11/2003 04:02
The one for Women comes in hundreds of volumes, and the contents constantly change.
I know what you mean about the car ones though:
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That`ll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: remove small retaining clip
Translation: take off 15 years of stuban crud, its there somewhere
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered as "lightly".
Haynes:remove drum retaining pin
Translation: break every screwdriver in your box.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn`t broken don`t fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn`t broken... it`s about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren`t you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don`t expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation:Bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, swear at it, throw at the garage wall, then search for it the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it`s going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that`s it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Refit 4 retaining bolts.
Translation: Yes you will have to find the one under the bench.
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn`t a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn`t moderate heat.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
