Another...from my friend. As it says, no idea if it is real....

>[I don't know if it's real, but it IS funny. I got this from the UGA
>Humor list. I've lost the headers, but the person sending it there
>didn't include any forwarding information, either. -David]
>
>
> The British do have a way with words. A real-life [or not]
> customer complaint letter sent to NTL (from their complaints dept):
>
> Dear Cretins,
>
> I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
> your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During
> this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I
> had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
> stupidity of monolithic proportions.
>
> Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
> pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these
> difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
> entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking
> B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
>
> My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
> spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
> technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
> minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
> annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
> website.... HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles
> for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar
> and highly adept.
>
> The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
> although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
> such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
> had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
> arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
> I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours
> between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.
>
> I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on
> my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to
> a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
> skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is
> available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to
> someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then
> been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been
> redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is
> closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected
> to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on
> this theme.
>
> Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
> thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
> those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I
> don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
> frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
> Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
>
> I thought BT were [censored], that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
> god-awful customer relations, that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more
> disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
> their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
> anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
> to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
> shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
> distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order.
>
> British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
> of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
> inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
> foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
> you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
> the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
> deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
> disbelief - quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
> rage.
>
> I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
> litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
> you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
> become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
> time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
> not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
>
> Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its
> worthless employees.
>
> Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
> irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.