As everyone probably has heard, justice has been served, and the Canadian pair skaters will receive their gold medal. However, this is not the end of the story. I just got back from a trip into the future, using the Empeg-equipped DeLorean mentioned in the Installation Notes forum, and this is definitely not the last you will hear of Jamie and David. Here's how the rest of the story will unfold:
2/26/2002 - David and Jamie receive their gold medal, but protests by the Russians prevent "Oh, Canada" from being played. A compromise is reached, and Canadian artist Neil Young performs "Heart of Gold" instead, while Paul McCartney is recruited to play "Back in the U.S.S.R."
2/27/2002 - Jealous of the preferential treatment received from the Western media, Russia declares war on Canada. But not a military war, a drinking war. Canadian Jim Carrey consumes nineteen pitchers of Molson, while Russian Yakov Smirnoff can only put down twelve shots of vodka. Allegations of tampering by judges Bob and Doug McKenzie once again cast a cloud over the results.
2/28/2002 - Jamie and David fade out of the spotlight for a few years, because, when it comes down to it, nobody gives a crap about figure skating.
2/11/2006 - Pelletier and Sale are awarded the gold medal in the 2006 Olympic games.
2/12/2006 - Amid allegations of impropriety by judges Tom Green, Dan Akyroyd, Mike Myers, and Martin Short, the pair is stripped of the gold, which is presented to that Russian pair whose names nobody can spell or pronounce.
2/28/2006 - Again, following the games, the couple fades into obscurity due to the fact that figure skating isn't a sport.
7/12/2008 - Sale's guest star role on "Temptation Island" briefly prompts people to ask "hey, wasn't that cross-eyed chick a gymnast or something?"
4/1/2008 - Her skating career over, and desparate for cash, Jamie undergoes sucessful eye un-crossing surgery and poses nude for Playboy.
4/2/2008 - Stock in Kimberly-Clark, the makers of Kleenex, rises 41%.
4/3/2008 - David, tired of being overshadowed by his skating partner, also demands to be featured nude in Playboy. His request is denied.
4/10/2009 - Taking a page out of the Book of Tonya, Jamie throws a hubcap at David while she is under the influence of alcohol. David is admitted to the hospital and due to severe facial disfigurement, can no longer lead a productive life in figure skating.
6/11/2009 - Frustrated, and also desparate for cash, David releases several hours of footgage of the couple's most private bedroom moments to the same folks who brought you the Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson videotapes.
6/12/2009 - Stock in Kimberly-Clark, the makers of Kleenex, splits 3 for 1.
11/20/2009 - While rehearsing for a "Washed Up Stars on Ice" performance, Sale and Pelletier are run over by a Zamboni driven by a jealous Nancy Kerrigan, who could only manage a silver medal in Lillehammer. The couple perishes, and Kerrigan is sent to prison to share a cell with Tonya Harding.
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