re reading the post if it is the first time the car has done it it might be the cam belt has jumped or something else timing related.

Anotheroption is go get hugo and his many cars and either steal one or tow your car away from your house and then call the AA

Or everyone should just drive diesels i understand them these petrol things are a terrible idea.
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P.Allison fixer of big engines Mk2+Mk2a signed by God / Hacked by the Lord Aberdeen Scotland