I have the perfect reply, but it is (oh my!) almost 14 years old! Scary!!!

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Go ahead, dominate your pristine PC. (humor) (Micro Mephisto) (column)
Jillette, Penn
PC-Computing Pagination: v3 n11 p372(1)
Publication date: Nov, 1990
===> Copyright Notice: COPYRIGHT Ziff-Davis Publishing Co. 1990

FULL TEXT OF ARTICLE:

Still sitting there with your bland, beige box? Trash the sucker and make it your own. By Penn Jillette

I DON'T KNOW how you got your computer. Maybe YOU went to some Store and bought retail like a fool. You might have sent away to some mail-order-we-don't-charge-you-tax-and-we-never-want-to-hear-from-you-again P.O. box. Maybe your crazy roommate vanished in the night, leaving behind a Tracy Chapman CD, a rented Police Academy 3 video and a hot computer.

No matter. You'll never sell it. Why the heck would you? Six month. after you bought it, it wasn't worth spit. You'd have an easier time unloading your used 8-track and beta tapes.

So tell me, why the hell is that thing still beige? And if it's sleek, high-tech black ... well, they saw you coming.

I'll tell you why. You're a coward. You're afraid if you mess with it, someone is going to yell at you. That's just wrong thinking, because no one gives a damn. Other people have their own problems. You could erase your entire hard disk while showing off for a cute babe, and no one would even blink. Now that gives you a great deal of freedom.

So make that computer yours. Make it belong to you. Make it look right to you. Dominate it. Rule it. Violate it. Possess it. Trash the sucker.

I'm not going to tell you exactly how to do that. I've already stuck my nose too far into your business. I don't care if you put backstage Stickers to Lou Reed and the Red Hot Chili Peppers on your PC. You could peel the warning sticker off your 2 Live Crew CD, decoupage it right above the screen and change your prompt to (C:) Oh, me so horny>." Or be Practical. Take a Sharpie and write "Just Kidding" right above the F3 key and "where the Hell Am I?" above F1.

When you think about personalizing Your PC, think about motorcycles. That's right. Motorcycles.

Sure, your computer has its risky side. It's going to ruin your eyes or give you that disease in your wrists you thought hypochondriacal Californians just made up. But listen: You screw up on a computer, you end up using a Panasonic word processor for the rest of your life. Screw up on a motorcycle, and you become part of America's highway system.

Still, motorcycles are cooler than PCs not just because they're dangerous (removing asbestos is dangerous, but considered cool only in limited circles), What have motorcycles got that computers haven't got? Airbrush. That's right, airbrush, You've seen motorcycle gas tanks. They have skulls, breasts and bulging biceps (sometimes on the Same creature). They also have lots of bright colors that attract the kind of people you want to meet, like a broken mirror attracts mynah birds.

Rationalize all you want. Tell me you can't have naked people airbrushed on your computer because the paint fumes will seep into the disk drive and screw up its innards. Do you really think for a moment that your computer is more delicate than a motorcycle?

I'll tell you this: If you can dominate the way the thing looks, you can dominate the way it behaves. And if you can dominate the way it behaves ... well, that's when things really get fun. How fun? Stay tuned to this page.

But if you paint your computer like the back of one of those jeans jackets that say "New York", "Memphis" or "Los Angeles" with little shiny pieces of mirror glued on and lots of happy blue, I'll find you and kill you.

Penn "Born to Word Process " Jillette is the taller half of the comedy-magic duo, Penn & Teller.
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Paul Grzelak
200GB with 48MB RAM, Illuminated Buttons and Digital Outputs