Okay...I think I'm laying down the cash for Premiere Elements immediately.

I've been looking for a tool to do what I want, when all along apparently Premiere had already done what I want. I apologize to you all for wasting your time (once again ).

I'm currently looking at my four files from my wedding video as they were imported into Premiere. What I didn't see before was that next to each video there's a little icon that looks like a sideways eject icon. When I click on that, I'm presented with all the scenes that Adobe has detected in the video (optically, presumably). They aren't separate files, just clips that Premiere created, but it's effectively the same This is great. Kudos, Adobe.

Now I just need to figure out how to do this in the next 9-10 days

*edit*
I've attached what the scene detection looks like. All but those first four videos are just scenes from the fourth.