No, not the rather bad Australian soap opera.

I'm referring to the people who comprise your neighbourhood merely because they happen to be living next to you. One of whom in my case has, completely out of the blue, decided to open hostilities by calling the local council and claiming that I'm running a business from home, thus triggering one of the drones from the business rates department to come round, wake me out of a sound sleep, and ask silly questions. Admittedly, she was young, blonde, and attractive, so it wasn't all bad

There isn't a case to answer as far as I can determine, since, although I work from home as a self-employed layabout, I don't 'run a business' in the manner they mean. I essentially do CAD work from home, mostly from the computer in my bedroom, which is no different from someone who writes novels or teleworks.

The information someone seems to have provided them with is that I have a lathe in the garage (true, but it's for hobby and car maintainance purposes, as is the milling machine, drill press, mig welder, etc, all of which is completely normal and aboveboard), that there are cables running down the back of the house (one cable, power from the distribution board which is at the front of the house to the garage which is at the back), and that I have several computers (true, but what the hell does this have to do with anything?) She appeared to be implying that I was making prefab motorway bridges in the garage or something like that, as opposed to trying to earn a living and minding my own business, something the neighbours are obviously bad at

I have no idea what brought all this on. I simply told her the truth and she went away apparently satisfied, but who decided to stir it up and why is a bit of a puzzle. It's obviously someone very local, close enough to either see in the window or know someone who can, but WHY is even more of a question. To the best of my knowledge I have done nothing to irritate anyone around here, certainly no one has ever complained.

The wife of the guy on the right is the most likely suspect, since she's a rather pretentious woman who obviously feels my presence devalues her horse-brasses and plaster tat stuck to her garden fence (I kid you not, it's I who should complain about HER), but she mainly constrains her behaviour to ostentatiously ignoring me at every opportunity. He on the other hand seems a nice enough fellow, and occasionally borrows tools from me. Everyone else around here either is perfectly pleasant in a distant sort of way (not just to me, everyone is like that to everybody), or in a few cases actually chats when we meet in the street.

It's puzzling, and annoying. I doubt it will go any further, but still it means there is someone around here who is malicious enough to try and get local government on my back, and I don't know who or why. Or when, even, although it must have been fairly recently.

Like I said, neighbours are a bad idea. I wish I didn't have them.

pca

when i was five i fell out of a tree. i dint fall so much as i jumped. i remember it as a jump. it was a pine tree. in the neighbors yard. he was a dick. hed keep our balls and frisbees when they flew over the fence. he was very unhappy. he worked security at the local airport and loved his yard. i came home from a friends house one night and saw police cars and an ambulace outside his house. they brough him out in a body bag. he had shot himself in his living room . blew most of his face off and fell in a pool of his own blood. months later his estate went up for sale. i talked to a friend whose family looked at the house. they said the realtor had said an animal was butchered in the living room. i guess changing the carpet wasnt considered prudent.

That totally sucks. If I found out who did that to me, I would do the same thing to them repeatedly.

The wife of the guy on the right is the most likely suspect, since she's a rather pretentious woman who obviously feels my presence devalues her horse-brasses and plaster tat stuck to her garden fence

I had a neighbor once who was like this. She always gave me a nasty look. What a bitch.

neighbours are a bad idea. I wish I didn't have them.

Truth.

Ultimately these people have big problems deep down. They will never be happy. I feel very positive when I think that, and I let them get on with their sad little lives.

Where are you in the UK ?

My neighbors are pretty cool. The guy next door seems nice enough and we say "hi" whenever we see each other. Other than that we keep to ourselves. On the other side I've seen those people about twice in the last year. I think they bought a house just to stay in on weekends or something! I actually have no idea since they're never there, but whatever floats their boat

The best is the guy two doors down from me. Tatoos up his arms, long goatee, shaved head, and multiple earrings. He really looks like a drug addict. My wife and I first met he and his wife/gf before we moved in. His apperance supprised me, but I figured, "Hey, whatever. Who am I to judge? If he can afford to buy a new house he can't be a total looser." As it turned out he was really nice and we hit it off pretty well. Finally I got around to asking what he did for a living and he said he's an undercover narcotics cop! Just goes to show that you can't judge a book by it's cover . . .

That totally sucks. If I found out who did that to me, I would do the same thing to them repeatedly.

Well, I don't really want to get into a feud, although I am interested in who and why. I'm not really even more than mildly irritated, funnily enough. I've found over the years that I don't really get angry at people (I make an exception for politicians), who are just arseholes because it's their function in life, but get really pissed off at things, which do it on purpose purely to wind you up

That said, I have had a few ideas for creative psychological warfare, if it turns out it was her and things go further. I shouldn't really think these things up, the karma is dreadful, but I can't help myself!

pca

...the karma is dreadful...

I don't think you should say that in a public forum.

I have had a few ideas for creative psychological warfare

You should order pizza delivered to their house every now and then.

Where are you in the UK ?

Deepest, darkest Somerset. Frome, actually. Nice enough place, although you don't want to park an expensive car on the south-east side.

pca

An anonymous tip that there are bags of cocaine in her house would do the trick.

An anonymous tip that there are bags of cocaine in her house would do the trick.

Or in some sort of body cavity.

I heartily endorse psychological warfare - we moved from a nice neighbourhood a couple of years ago for two reasons. The first was to get a bigger house for less money, but it was prompted by utter scabby arseholes moving in next door who would happily watch their young brats set fire to our fence, throw stones at the cars in the street and generally piss folks off.

Late night taxis are fun. As well as the aforementioned pizza delivery and manure delivery from local gardening suppliers

Apparently.

I think firing up the gas turbine engines pca has while pointing them towards the horse-brasses would be fun...

I'm a recent college graduate living in a duplex with a grad student and a post-doctorate. Every single other duplex home that surrounds us is inhabited by retired couples. Suprisingly enough, they are very friendly and like me a lot. I threw two parties a year for three years, and they had no problem with the bass or the parking or the drunken college kids stumbling on their lawns. Because, aside from that, it was the only disturbance I generally caused them.

The other great thing that worked out with my duplex is that the attatched home, when it finally sold, was bought by a couple who had a home in Florida. They went to Florida in the fall, came back to Williamsburg for winter, back to Florida for spring, and back to Williamsburg for Summer. In other words, they had the exact opposite schedule of the college kids next door It worked out perfectly. And so far, we've had no complaints after 4 years of living here.

I have bad luck with neighbors.... The neighbor I used to have in my old apartment used to beat his wife. That was fun hearing screams at 3am followed by slapping then a solid thud, always having to go over there telling him to stop it "stop what???" then having to call the cops... Then my neighbor on the other side must have been a nymphomaniac, which normally wouldn't be a bad thing but was excessively loud about it.

The neighbor I have now sucks, last year he decided to stain his deck and fence with a power sprayer. He was very careful to cover everything in HIS yard nicely and neatly with plastic (these are townhomes) but seemed to be oblivious to my yard or the things in it, needless to say he got overspray all over my deck (which is not stained just wood) and all my wood deck furniture. When I asked him about it he said "no habla engles".... great...

Then I just found out that some guy living directly behind me got sick of his wife and shot her in the head on Tuesday.

So yes I have to agree with your sentiment that neighbours/neighbors really are a bad idea.

In grad school, I lived on the top floor of a small building housing a late-night take-out restaurant (Hoagie Haven, in Princeton, NJ, see also this purity test). The restaurant was on the ground floor and quite likely undocumented migrant workers, employed by the restaurant, had the floor in between. The worst downstairs neighbors I ever had were apparently Egyptian. They smoked ferociously (which came up through the floor and was so bad at one point that I couldn't sleep) and listened to quite loud Egyptian pop music. They were later replaced by workers of some Indian (or regions nearby) descent. The infernal smoke was replaced by pungent curries, which were certainly easier on the nose. The new regional pop music was as unbearable as the original tenants.

Also, needless to say, roaches were a constant issue. It didn't really matter how many roach traps I put out, as the roaches were, no doubt, coming up from below.

If you read the first article I linked above, you'll see them talking about my former apartment. George and Emily were my landlords, and they'd previously lived there themselves. I learned of the apartment vacancy one sunny day while ordering my lunch. "You need a place? We've got one right upstairs." Ahh, the memories.

These days, I'm quite happy to have even a couple feet of air between my house and my neighbors. So far, no complaints. I'd rather have neighbors I can see than live far out in the country, where you might end up with pig farmers or something else generating a stench you can't so easily ignore.

I think firing up the gas turbine engines pca has while pointing them towards the horse-brasses would be fun...

Too easy and obvious.

I think that a wireless streaming-audio device that uses the window pane as a speaker would be far superior. Patrick could cron it to whisper "Bitch!", and other insults at random times throughout the night. That might also convince them that the house is haunted and make them move.

That's actually quite a good one.

One of the things I had in mind was to erect another, taller, wood-panel fence just behind the 3-foot high one separating our gardens (if you can call something 8 x 20 feet a garden), so it's definitely on my property, then painting THEIR side of it in as many horribly clashing, eye-piercingly bright colours as I can find. You know, fluorescent yellow with purple and scarlet stripes, that sort of thing. It would drive her, at least, completely potty after a while if I'm any judge of character at all, and best of all there's not really anything they could do about it. If they reached over and painted it on my property, I've got them for vandalism or something along those lines.

Must... Resist... Evil... Plans...

pca

Don't they have CCNR's in your neighborhood? If they do, a person like her could possibly be more familiar with them than you... So be careful... if you're going to declare war, do it on familiar turf (which for you, would be technological).

Come to think of it, I'll bet that most budding mad scientists were probably thwarted by simple CCNRs...

"Wait, you mean that there's a clause specifically stating I can't erect a fifty-foot HeNe laser in my back yard?!"

"Yep, and GaAs, too. Although I don't think it says anything about a ruby laser, but who's gonna get one that size?"

Must... Resist... Evil... Plans...

Yes, especially if you plan to sell your house any time in the future. Don't forget that under UK (or is it just English/Welsh) law nowadays you have to tell potential purchasers of any neighbour disputes, if you don't tell them and they get caught up in them after you sell they can sue you...

Fun eh ?

Oh, for the second time this evening, IANAL (thankfully).

GaAs? That's laser diodes...

The house we bought is on 17 acres for a reason ... This is one of them

I hear ya. In two months we move into our new place on 10 acres. I don't like neighbors in my business.

Or you could get a neighbor like this

-Dylan

You don't like neighbours in your business? What exactly do you do that requires lots of land and nobody watching?

I can mostly keep it quiet when I make the crack. But the real money is in prostituting out the children who I've got hooked on the stuff. Hey, I'm not a charity. That sh*t ain't free. Anyway, most of the neighbors I can keep quiet by giving them an occasional freebie with their favorite girl (or boy, I don't judge). But you've always got a few nosy, goodie two shoes who ask questions and cause problems. Like these people don't have skeletons in their closet.

Everyone's got this hangup about drugs and it being their kids and all that bullsh*t so it's easier if I just get some kids that people don't care about. So out in the country I can build underground bunkers for the little girls I buy from Laos. Don't give me that look. It's a good deal for them. After a few years they are too old for my purposes and I give them a few bucks and set them free. It's a lot better life then picking fleas out of their hair in whatever poor as dirt sh*thole they come from.

I know you were thinking weed but that's way too risky. With these laws nowadays you get locked up for a long time if they catch you growing that sh*t. It's better to do something where if I get caught I can be out in a few years.

LOL

I was disappointed in this post until I got to this line:

my presence devalues her horse-brasses and plaster tat stuck to her garden fence

I don't mind neighbours -- my current ones are pretty quiet. My previous one was a gay black school teacher in Compton. He was just priceless. I was actually disappointed to see him move out.

My JKD instructor, on the other hand, has one of the meanest old biddies I've had the displeasure of meeting for a neighbour. We train in his garage, and she's forever yelling at him to close the garage door, because we're making too much noise -- even when we're grappling, not making hardly any noise at all. If she comes home in the middle of the training session, she'll stop the car outside his garage and stare at him. She's complained to the neighbourhood whatsitthingy about him multiple times. I don't know why she can't just close her window for the hour. She "doesn't like to listen to squeaking shoes during dinner." I wonder if she'd complain if we had a basketball net set up, or if it's just because it's martial arts.

Dialing up her phone from a fax with the number withheld and pressing redial each time it reaches maximum re-dials can be satisfying (I'm told).
I've got great neighbours on three sides, regrettably one of them doesn't understand that their two boys continually shouting at the top of their voices, whilst playing football in our common driveway area is not "Boys will be boys" it's being an inconsiderate neighbour - the older they get, the harder they kick against the wall, and it goes right through our house.
-Pity though, a nice couple, I'm loath to fall out over it.

My next door neighboor seemed nice enough, until he turned into parking nazi. I, being a native to the area, actually have friends that live in the same city, and from time to time, they drive their cars and park near my house. It must be so tormenting to this person to then request I have my friends move their cars just because one is in front of their property.

They also have an annoyning pug dog that barks quite a bit. I'm putting the local animal shelter number into my phone to have handy the next time I hear it barking for more then a few minutes.

Overall, the rest have been pretty cool. I'm still irritated I have to spend money on my yard this year to get a retaining wall built, but it is ruining my neighboor to the south sod.

Boxer's post gives me an idea. Do they have telemarketing and junk mail in Britain? Give her name address and phone number to every commercial agency you can think of. Find out her email address and submit all of those details to every commercial website possible.

That's nasty. I know from experience;

A few years back I went to see a film(movie) at the local cinema(theater) with one of my best mates(buddy). While we were waiting we noticed the free postcard stand - basically adverts that could be used as postcards. Well, amongst those cards were also military recruitment cards that could be used to request information packs about joining the military. So we sent in three cards, one for each of the services, in the name of a mutual friend, and promptly forgot about it.
A few weeks later, the mutual friend starts receiving his two inch thick recruitment packets and mentions this to the first friend, who denies all involvement and offers up my neck for the chop.
I then discovered that the mutual friend had a tendancy to take things a bit too far, ie beyond a joke, when he spent most of a Sunday filling in every coupon he could find in every Sunday newspaper in my name. For the next year I was plagued with junk mail. If had lived in my own place I wouldn't have cared too much about it, but I lived with my parents at the time and they were none too amused. It really didn't help that several packages were things like commemorative plates and junky framed artwork that the companies thought that I had ordered, and needed to be dealt with.
My parents still haven't forgiven him.

Wow, great story!

Although I think about it, and even though it would be sweet revenge for PCA to do that to his nosy neighbor, it's not really "responding in kind", is it?

What he needs to do is figure out some way to get people to actually come out to her house and poke around, like she had done to him. Like, maybe somehow reporting an emergency gas leak under the floorboards in the exact center of her living room...

One good idea from The Simpsons is to "borrow" some cordon tape and cordon off her house while she is out. I thought "CRIME SCENE" would be good, but "TransCo - GAS LEAK - KEEP OUT" would be even better because there wouldn't be any "wasting police time" issues and TransCo are so inefficient it would take several hours just to get through on the phone! (obviously she would have to use somebody else's phone too!)

Gareth

I'm not on bad terms with any of my neighbors but I bet after 4 volunteer fire companies spent a few hours at my home a few weekends ago they'd probably figure it was my fault somehow.

Sounds like a perfect opportunity to find out if video games promote or discourage certain behavior.

http://www.neighbours-from-hell.com/

Personally, I'd vote for a seizure inducing strobe light mounted on a 30 foot pole on the property line triggered via a motion sensor pointed at their house. Either that or God's Flash Cube II: The second stunning.

Actually, from personal experience I just wouldn't worry about it and be cordial to her anyway...afterall, you *really* don't know if it was her or not.

Feuding with a next door neighbor could be a most unpleasant and counterproductive experience.

Besides, why waste your time and stoop to her level when you can be working on the boat!?

That's kind of what I was thinking, but simply for the reason that if you think the husband is pretty cool, you have to remember that everything you do to her, you do to him + even more since he has to deal with her.

Really, about the worst thing you can do is be extra nice to her at this point. It will still eat at her, which is fun, and may actually turn out to eventually get her to just forget about you.

I did something similar to that, but on a smaller scale. I had a couple friends sharing an apartment, and they both shaved their heads. I sent away for a wig catalog in their name. They were going to buy one and wear it to school, but they were a bit put out by the fact that the cheapest wig was $300, which is a bit pricey for a starving student.

We have what's called the preference service, by which marketing organisations are meant to screen you out on their database from mail, fax and telephone calls, in theory, you can be fined £4,000 for abusing the system, but it's far from effective.
We get calls that say "I'm conducting a survey", before launching into the big sell - the other week, I suggested to one that if her sales manager discounted the double glazing by £4,000, I wouldn't report her to the preference service and nobody would be out of pocket, but I don't think that she could grasp the concept!
Hang on! - The penny's dropped, this is Patrick, couldn't you load some fiendish explosive concoction on to that radio controlled buggy of yours and send it round to the neighbours!

Imagine how they'd have felt if he sent you bondage supply catalogs.

LOL. I think they understood that I didn't need or want any of the products or services being offered. Thank God. (I received information from several different Harley Street clinics specialising in the more discreet areas of medicine.)

this is Patrick, couldn't you load some fiendish explosive concoction on to that radio controlled buggy of yours and send it round to the neighbours!

And this is Patrick, who is (I gather from my conversations with him) a man of peace who abhors violence. Besides, revenge is only fun if the victim is around to taste it.