Which is not a suprise at all, but it is still painful. She hasn't lived with my son and I since late August and I'm the one who'se filing- but today it was really hard to see it happening for real.

2011 was the worst year of my life, no doubt. John certainly knows this as we've communicated a lot about it, and I think Bitt got to hear a little bit when he was down this way, but my life has been turned upside down. Actually, it's been upsidedown for a long time, I just wan't admitting it (to myself, even), though a lot of people around me saw what I wouldn't.

I guess I shouldn't be going into any details (there was no affair- I'll say that much) given anything on a public forum could be used if things get ugly, though I'm hoping it won't come to that. Mainly I just wanted to share my burden with people I know care about me and won't want to see me go through something this painful.

A lot of my friends are taking a pretty hard line against my decision (unfortunately, I've ended up leaving my church over this) and surrounding her with a lot of love, and that can be a bit painful, even as I try to remember there are good (and I believe necessary) reasons this has to happen. I hate divorce- I hate the concept and I hate losing the wife I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I hate losing my best friend. I hate that I broke down in tears today and she gave me a look that told me I deserved it. I hate being the bad guy.

This will pass, I'm sure. I believe I'm doing the right thing for myself and especially for my son (who I will be getting custody of), and probably even her, but if I'm somehow mistaken, I still believe in God's grace.

I know a lot of us haven't been as active on this forum the past few years, but I have a lot of fond memories of this board, debating, arguing, and posting silly stuff that only people like us would get. We share in the laughter, and sometimes we have to share in the tragedies. This is mine- I know I'm not the first or the last to go through it (not even on this board), but for me this is as bad as it's ever been.

For those of you who pray, I could use a good word over the next few weeks as this thing becomes real. For those who don't, just a nice though my direction would be welcome.

Jeff, I'm really, really, sorry to hear that. I'm sorry that some of your friends are taking sides, but I'm sure that she needs that support as much as, and perhaps more than, you do, and I'm sure that you know that, even as hard as it is to watch.

Hopefully you can continue this process without too much animosity and your friends will come around to the fact that it was something that just didn't work out between you, and that there's not really any reason to take sides.

For now, though, let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

That's really sad -- I sincerely hope you and your son can find peace once the dust settles.

Staying in an irrevocably bad marriage does no good for either party, and if both parties have made good faith efforts to resolve their differences, I think it's the morally right thing to do. It gets more complicated when there's a child involved, but even though my parents divorced when I was young, I've never quite understood "stay together for the kids." If my mom had tried to keep my deadbeat dad round just so I"d have a father, I'd have never had my stepfather, who was infinitely better to me and to my mom.

Best wishes with the healing process -- I can't say I have any personal experience to offer, but I do have friends who have been through it and come out the other side much happier.

Thanks guys. The "friends taking sides" bit is mostly about the church, which has a huge issue with divorce (while most conservative Christian churches recognize divorce for limited grounds, my church did not for any grounds- only death of a spouse ends a marriage). And my grounds fall outside the typically recognized grounds (though I do believe that I am within scriptural bounds- I think there's a lot of evidence the church has the understanding of the Bible wrong on this, and has had for a long time, but I really, REALLY don't want to make this thread about that). So well intentioned Christian brothers and sisters have repeatedly called me to repentence. I do not doubt their motives and that their intention is love, but it unfortunatly adds pain to an already painful situation.

In the end, you are right, Bitt- she does need them more than I do, but I do bleed when pricked

As for my son, he has been remarkably resillient through some very difficult times- no doubt he's had to pick up on a lot of emotional pain from both me and my wife. Yet he continues to be the happiest two year old I've ever seen (and even at his pre-school they tell me he is the brightest, happiest child there). To me, that is a wonderful evidence of God's grace in a very difficult situation. When all seems very dim, his joy when I walk in the door makes everything OK.

I don't believe that staying together for the kids is the right thing to do if it's going to lead to living out a broken marriage in front of them- to me that is setting them up for failure. I love my son and I want the best for him- really believeing that this is the best for him is one of my strongest motives.

I've always had a strong opinion on divorce- believe me that I tried to avoid this every way I knew how. I'm still not certain I'm making the right choice, but I'm doing the best I can with the information I have. I know, unfortunatly, that I cannot trust my feelings, because my feelings will tell me wildly different things depending on the day and who I've talked to.

For faith's sake, I pray that God will show me how to reconcile if He makes it possible, and that He will open my heart to do it. Because at this point, it would definitely be an act of God. Baring that, I have to go with what I believe to be the healthiest route for myself and for my son (and I hope, even my wife).

Good luck and I hope you don't get screwed over on the custody. My friend who was recently divorced doesn't get his kids much now even though the mom is pretty crazy. I don't know your situation but I seems like the courts think it's always better to have the kids with their mothers.

I can also say my friend is much happier now though.

I'm sorry to hear that, Jeff. Like the others here, I'll be thinking of you and I hope everything works out. I wish I had something more profound or helpful to say, but I don't have much experience with this. I definitely agree, though, that it's better for your son that he doesn't grow up in an unhappy marriage.

Best of luck to you. I'm sorry you're losing a couple big relationships in this (your wife and your church). That has to be tough. I hope you find another [religious] community that you feel comfortable with.

Likewise, I wish I had something useful to say. I've had plenty of breakups, but a broken marriage with a kid is another whole world.

So far, my wife has agreed for me to have sole physical custody. Now whether a lawyer will come along and convince her otherwise is another story. I fear that, espcially since we already have everything pretty much worked out in terms of division of assets, visitation, etc.

Sorry to hear that Jeff. My parents split when I was young and I am very thankful to them that their ongoing relationship was grownup and level headed with our (brother and I) interests at heart.

Not quite sure how a Church, or the people of it, can take sides at a time like this, but like you said you really don't need to go there right now.

Cheers

Cris

Hug your son.

Good luck with working though all of this Jeff. It does sound like you are you wife have in a level headed manner sorted out custody etc, and avoided the anger, bitterness, and blame that can often come with that.

My parents stayed together because of me. I don’t know if that was good or bad for me but I do know they were miserable (especially dad).

Good luck.

That's how my friend started out but his wife's family convinced her to get a lawyer and then it became a big fight.

The same happened to a friend of mine. While I think it's commendable that you, Jeff, and your wife are dealing with this in what seems to be a fairly grown-up manner, don't be surprised if she does get a lawyer, and be prepared to get one of your own.

On a more personal level, you have my sympathy and support. I know that this is not an easy thing to do, or to go through. I hope that it all works out best for everyone.

I already have a lawyer- it'd be pretty much impossible to do this with a child involved without some legal representation. So far, I think they (and I) are being fair minded about things. I'm also do thing she needs a lawyer to make sure everything is fair- it just worries me at the same time.

Edit: removed some stuff about the legal situation- I don't want to put too much out there publicly.

Its hard to believe but those are the words you wrote to me on this board almost nine years ago. I return them to you now in hopes that they will mean as much to you today as they did to me all those years ago.

If not already, you will soon realize that no one really knows what this is like. Not even those who seem to have similar situations... because really there are no similar situations. There are too many variables and too many differences. But you will overcome. You will do it because of your strength of spirit. And you will do it for your son.

My prayers and thoughts are with you. Let me know if I can help.

WOW- thank you Michael. It has been a long time, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your post. Thank you for your support and prayers.

I remember typing those words feeling like they were so inadequate because I just didn't know what to say back then. I still don't; broken situations are broken, and there really aren't the words, are there?

I hope you are well- I really do have faith I'll pull through this. My biggest fear is how I'll come out on the other side, but I hope even in this I can learn and grow. Time will tell.

Update: the final decree was issued today and everything is final. I did get custody, though her lawyer did extract quite a bit more alimoney than I anticipated. I think what we agreed to was fair, though. He did make a lot of work over some pretty minor things, which was frustrating and costly.

Strangely I don't feel much right now, I guess the death of a dream, but that was felt a long time ago. I wish it could have been different and I fought as hard as I could to make it work, but sometimes what we can give just isn't enough.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers- I've been learning a lot about letting go the past few months and that journey continues.

I'm glad that it's done for you and you can get on with your life. I hope that the acrimony that you spoke of before wasn't as bad as you'd feared.

No- overall it went about as well as it could have. The lawyers really drug stuff out, but at least between us we were able to work things out.

I definitely had some gut wrenching moments and the process was awful, but hopefully the worst is behind me.

Congrats on getting custody anyway that is defiantly not the norm.