Wow, that is a bad purchase day... I bought a Hauppauge video capture card that I'll be returning, but I managed not to damage anything else in the process (knock on wood.)

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Now... I need recommendations for a good wireless router. Must have:

I'm pretty sure the Linksys WRT54G or WRT54GS will do everything you're looking for, provided you're willing to run with 3rd-party firmware from Sveasoft. The only things I don't think it has are "defaults in place for common ports" with the port forwarding, and I'm not sure what you mean by "descriptive name for each client." It does have everything else you mention, including 4 ports, great wireless range, DHCP with static IP assignments, MAC filtering for wireless clients, and a whole slew of other stuff, including direct shell access to iptables so you can set up your own rules.

I'm running said firmware on my two Linksys routers and it's been great. Last I looked, WRT54G(S) routers can be had for $70 or less, too. Getting access to the "bleeding edge" Sveasoft releases requires a $20/year subscription, but the features I mentioned above are all available in public builds.