Sad. The hitch people are attempting to force a migration to big honking SUVs and trucks.

Actually it's just a case that the big honking trucks and some SUVs are designed to haul/trailer loads. Most passenger vehicles are not meant for that type of load. That's why they get helper springs when John Smith gets the pop-up camper for the family to tow behind the Crown Vic... But your case is different as you need a greater tongue weight and could give a rat's a$$ about the trailer weight, and a Class 2 fits the bill, correct?
I don't know what to tell you other than I hope someone can find a hitch for you, otherwise you'll have to buy the big honking SUV.

If I were you, I'd get the Canyonero, "12 feet long, two lanes wide, 65 tons of American Pride, Canyonero..." Simpsons Episode Screaming Yellow Honkers #1015