I've just been to see "Shaun of the Dead", an immensly hilarious (well, I think so) film about zombies going on the rampage in Wandsworth in London. I was rolling about in my seat, and I suspect the rather straight-faced Dutch audience in there at the same time was beginning to wonder if they had made a mistake buying tickets for a showing with the Madman in row 5.

Just before the film started, up popped one of these patronising, threatening messages about copyright and so forth that have started appearing recently.

(Loosely translated) "Enjoy and support creativity - Don't Steal it!"

Sheee ite.

For some reason I sat there in the cinema as if I'd been struck by lightning. It was as if that message had been aimed, in all it's patronisation, directly at me.

Well, I'm so 3ffing sorry, Mr. 3ffing MPAA and Mr. 3ffing RIAA and all the rest of you Better-than-Thou smug baskets who are slowly taking control of the contents of my underpants, but I am feeling just a tad, yes merely a TAD hacked off about your message, directed specifically at me.

In fact, I'm a little bit upset, to tell you the truth. Before the film has even started, I'm having legalese that has not been tested or can even be shown to be valid under international law shoved up my nose. In fact I'm being bullied and threatened after having paid to come into the theatre with heavy, nefarious threats to my health and welfare, and that of my first-born son. In fact, if I read between the lines, I am a criminal in waiting.

All my life, I have paid up front. All my life, I have stuck to the rules. Stuck to the speed limits (and watched morons go past me at 100+ and curse the Poliss for never being there, except when I try to do 100+ and instantly get a ticket).

All my life, I have done what people have told me what I should do for my own good. All my life, I have put considerations for everyone else before my own needs.

So what have I got?

I have nothing: I am losing my kids, I have been hammered through a vicious divorce, I have big debts, a crappy car that is falling apart, and I can't even live in my own house. I have to pay ridiculous prices to watch a film: pay excessive taxes for little return: my teeth are rotting in my head, and my once prize-winning body is turning into sloppy, beer-gutted jelly.

I have always paid my dues, and I am being acused (don't shake your head here) of not having done so, and in fact I am robbing the poor artists. I am taking the money out of their mouths, and those of their starving children.

I have been buying music for over 30 years. I have been buying movies since it has been possible to do so, somewhere over the last 20 years. I hesitate to record: if I do, I either wipe it afterwards or go out and buy the original. I feel guilt when people offer me MP3's I don't have the original of. I never pinched stuff off the sweety shelf at the local shop, in fact I was (and probably still am) a right boring fart, really.

Well, f*** it. Yes, f*** it. I am sick of governments I don't vote for, or governments from other countries I have f*** all to do with telling me, via the government I have, what to do. What is it with these spineless s***es that they bend over backwards and surrender the rules of their local democracy to a foreign power?

Well, the gloves are off